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One of the City Colleges of Chicago
ENGLISH & SPEECH DEPARTMENT
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Is
It True Love? Domestic Violence of Teens and Pregnant Moms
By Lakeischa J. Morgan Fall 2002
“If
he don’t hit me he doesn’t care about me” Since July of 2002, I’ve been a Child Care Specialist for a program called Parents Care & Share. This program gives teens and young mothers a chance to discuss stresses in their daily lives something like an outreach program. As I sat down and talked with the young parents and teens in the program, I found that four out of five of these young ladies were involved in some kind of abuse that involved one or more children. I overheard one of the girls talking to the group about a fight she had with her daughters father she began describing what took place in the living room of her mothers house. She stated that “me and my baby daddy had a fight he choked me in front of my mother and would not let me go because I told him that I did not want to be in a relationship with him anymore my mom called the police but I did not want to press charges against him because he can not do anything for my daughter behind bars.” (Anonymous A) From this one discussion the girls began raving about the physical fights they have had with their partners or babies father. Each one of the girls described a similar situation some not as brutal as others but physical abuse played a major part in all their stories. I did not realize how common domestic violence affected teens and young pregnant moms until I began bonding with the girls in the parent care and share program. Any form of abuse rather verbal or physical frightens me because the girl’s feel as though domestic violence is a form of love, domestic violence is natural and all of their relationships are similar. I knew at this point I had a job to do! The young women in the parents care and share program ages range from 12 to 21. Among the five only, two have completed a High School education and one is holding down a full time position in retail. The other two are on their third child at the ages of 18 and 21 and cannot see pass a G.E.D. As harsh as it may seem there is a baby among the group the 12 year old, while maintaining an elementary grade level she now has the responsibility of caring for an 18-month toddler. Just the thought alone gives you and ideal of how their surrounding must have been. This leads you to ask many questions of there up bringing was this something that the girls have seen happened to an older adult and now domestic violence is tolerable for them? After several months of working with the young ladies in the program they became self-assured around me the girls opened up and discussed things I still cannot fix myself to talk to my mother about. But this is how the girls grew to trust me and I became that figure of a big sister they could come to and talk about anything sometimes just my opinions counted. I can remember this night so vividly, at the end of the session one of the girls waited around for me to leave she said she needed my help, helping her on the elevator with her two sons. But the tone in her voice and the look on her face lead me to believe that there was much more she needed from me. It was obvious that she needed to talk about something personal. As we stepped in the elevator away from the roaming individuals in the building she began talking about the problems her and the kids father were having. She began to talk about their separation, arguments and fights they have had She began telling me about a physical encounter that almost left her for dead. She stated “ I had an argument with my son’s father on a stair case as I turned to walk away he kicked me down I landed at the bottom of three flights of stairs and was bleeding from my ears, nose and mouth unaware of what happened I awakened to a slight concussion, a cracked skull, sixty stitches inside and out of my head and only remembering I had a severe ear ache” (Anonymous B). This has not just happened with anonymous b but other teens and young moms in their age group. “Eighty nine percent of teenagers between the ages of 13 and 18 say they have been beaten” (“Fact”). “Forty percent of teenage girls 14 thru 17 report knowing someone their age who has been hit or beaten by a boyfriend” (“Fact”). “Nearly Eighty percent of girls have been physically abused by their intimate relationships, continue to date their abusers” (“Fact”). “Thirty percent of women between the age of 15 thru 19 are murdered each year, thirty are killed by their husbands or boyfriend” (“Fact”). When the team of doctors and nurses in the emergency room evaluated anonymous b, she was told at the time of the incident that she was three months pregnant. At the age of 20 and now expecting her second child anonymous b believed it when her partner promised her he would never do anything to hurt her again. After the birth of their second child it was obvious that stresses of responsibility, fatherhood, being committed to one woman with two kids promoted built in anger. Anonymous b began to notice the change in her partners attitude, angry mood spells that lead to arguments then slams of the door became slaps to the face, slaps to the face grew to punches and now anonymous b is back in the same abusive relationship that she once thought was over. Anonymous b continued to stay with her partner after several attacks, she is now expecting their third child however he did not abuse her while she was pregnant with the last two children he has lost all respect for her and the safety of their unborn child and continues to physically abuse her in her 7th month of pregnancy. This one situation goes to show that not all promises from a domestic abuser can be kept and their promises are often broken with the slightest disagreements.” Teen women are at a higher risk for abuse during their pregnancy than adult women (20% vs. 17%) and are more likely than adult women to have experienced abuse in the year before becoming pregnant“ (“Fact”). “One in five teen women and one in six adult women report experiencing abuse during their pregnancy” (“Fact”). “A history of abuse before pregnancy is the primary warning sign of abuse during pregnancy. However, many women report the abuse beginning after becoming pregnant” (“Fact”). “If he don’t
hit me he doesn’t love me” Every Monday the coordinator of the Parents Care & Share Programs sits down with the group of teens and pregnant moms to select a topic to discuss. On this particular night the topic was ”The Cycles of Domestic Violence Abuse”. Blank faces emerged from the group as if to say the topic was of something foreign. The coordinator began the session by asking the young ladies if they knew what domestic violence was? When explained she asked how many of them experienced the abuse or know someone who has or are still in an abusive relationship? The group remained quiet until the coordinator began to mention incidents of victims who did not make it out of their relationships in time. None of the girls answered the questions that were being asked but I knew of several cases and individuals who could have taken the floor for healing and closer from a domestic abuser. There was a surprise guest speaker who spoke at that session an early childhood teacher who provided care for their children daily. She began by admitting she was in an abusive relationship with her son’s father for 5 years that led to a fractured jaw and low self-esteem. She stated, “That I knew the relationship was unhealthy and would seek support from my mother who turned me away after every dreadful betting my husband put on me. Then later dared me not to tell my father of the incidents because that was between husband and wife” (Anonymous C). Women around the world are speaking out about domestic abuse through the strengths of talking and writing about their experiences growing up as an abused child or having abusive relationships. A healing process occurs when someone opens up and bears all to the public of abusive encounters. Hofeller, stated, “When I began to write my bibliography I reopened and then healed old wounds as I told my life story” (Hofeller Intro.). Anonymous C continued to say “that while my husband was at work I would read stories of women victims to domestic violence that encouraged me to get out. You have to want out and be prepared to seek the help in doing so” (Anonymous C). As the group session ended, I wondered did any of the teen moms receive the message that was bestowed upon them? How many would attempt to open up and receive the help offered? On this day none of the young ladies were ready to open up but sat their listening to a woman who appeared strong and invincible. Anonymous C had the room full of her peers breathless and in shock because she revealed a demon from the past her husband her abuser. Anonymous C ended her speech by asking the girls repeat after her love is sweet, love is kind, love shows no wounds, and love empowers the mind. Trust among teens and young moms plays an important factor in their lives; the teens find that it is hard to trust people out side of their home or environments. Ms. Shirley Gardner a Residential
Case Manager at Anchor House who advocates against domestic violence elaborated
on reasons why domestic victims refuse help from public organizations. She
stated “Only a 3rd of teens and pregnant moms get help due to miss
communication and a controlling partner in the relationship” (“Gardner”).
The Anchor House advocates against domestic violence through an outreach program
that targets women of all ages especially teens and pregnant moms with kids or
people who have some type of disability mental or physical illnesses”
(“Gardner”). When we say target we seek to help teens and young moms that
come in for a doctors or Women Infants and Children (WIC) appointment”
(“Gardner”). “The program offers a group called L.A.D.I.E.S an informal
chatting group that rely on specific subjects like don’t hit me! And why hit
me?” ( “If
he don’t hit me he doesn’t care about me” Reestablishing a connection to the world with the teens and pregnant moms can consist of getting involved with them on a friendship level. However the first step is to get them to admit that there is a problem and sometimes it takes the courage of others to see you through. No one person should endure the pain of domestic violence alone. Just when victims of an abuser think no one cares or no one hears your cry people are often waiting on you to open up and seek the help that is being offered. Domestic Violence is not anyone’s fault so there is no need to bellow in guilt regain your courage and fight for rights to regain healthy and normal life. Empowering domestic victims to learn about domestic violence abuse and where abuse often leads is another step. ” Statistics indicate that women are at a greater risk of becoming victims of domestic homicide when they attempt to leave the relationship. In fact, women who leave their batterers are at a 75 percent greater risk of being killed by their batterer than those who stay” (“Leaving”). In conclusion, the problem of domestic violence looses grounds with the public because of limited or minimum advertisement. However domestic abuse has no set rules or guidelines in which it chooses its victim’s teens, young moms and women of many ethnics, religions and economics status have dealt with domestic violence in several ways. Excellent programs have branched out such, as Chicago Abused Women Coalition to fight against domestic abuse exist. This program offers women in the community emergency assistance, free counseling, housing assistance, and employment programs (“Domestic Violence Programs”). Yet, the people in the community do not know they exist. In order to secure the safety of victims many organization disclose basic information like their address or arcs on the building. In some cases this would benefit the safety of some but what about others who live right next door and do not know about the programs that can benefit them. Then there is the Chicago Police Department the district police officers are making tremendous efforts by playing a positive roll in the community. “ In Chicago, more than 205,000 domestic violence calls were made to the Chicago Police Department in 2000—an average of 562 calls a day.” (Kaneya) Chicago police established a program strategy called Chicago alternative policing “Caps.” This program was developed to get the community involved to fight against crime such as domestic violence. CAPS involve the community, neighbors and the district police in finding new strategies to overcome criminal acts with the district (“Domestic Violence”). Each year abused women shelters and programs are granted millions of dollars and the women in need have no clue of where to seek help. If more promotions containing the truth about abuse in teen dating, and the death rate of individuals involved in domestic violence more women would take a stand against it. Instead of advertising for Nike tennis shoes, advertise against domestic violence abuse among women, teens and pregnant moms. If more meaningful promotions, advertisements of domestic violence teens would not consider being turned purple and blue from marks of a partners fist in their face true love. Providing teens with meaningful information about how many teens their ages are involved in domestic relationship and were domestic violence may lead if they continue to date their partners would be a great asset. Getting the teens and young moms involved in domestic counseling and support groups would give them a positive outlook on life. Although we adults might disagree with the lifestyles some teens choose to live if we become positive roll models today they will live long enough to thank us tomorrow. Works Cited
Anonymous
A. Personnel Interview. Anonymous B.
Personnel Interview. Anonymous C. Domestic Violence Workshop. 16 September 2002. “Domestic
Violence.” Chicago Alternative policing.
City of Chicago website. “Domestic
Violence Programs.” Chicago Abused Women Coalition. “Fact
Sheet”. Love Is Not Abuse. Liz Claiborne Women Works. “Fact Sheet.” Prevention of
Battering During Teen Pregnancy Project. Gardner Shirley. Residential Case Manager, Anchor House. Telephone Interview. 06 November 2002 Hofeller,
Kathleen. Battered Women, Shattered Lives. Kaneya, Rui. “
At Any Price: Marriage and Battered Immigrant Women” The Chicago Reporter
(2002 March). “Leaving
does not mean safety”. “Domestic Violence”
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